Monday, February 17, 2014

Hump, or Slump?

Well today I was making pancakes and I burned the crap out of my hand
with hot oil. (And I didn't even cuss.) My hand is all wrapped up and
in constant pain. Second degree burn, blisters and all. Ha! So I did
some crying this morning, though not because of the burn. I am
currently having a really selfishly hard time.
Let me explain something about myself. I am naturally a lazy person. I
have been my whole life. I've always tried to accomplish the most work
while expending the least amount of effort. And it's worked. I may not
have gotten the grades I had the potential to get, but heck, I got
into the university I wanted. I may not have surpassed the
intermediate level of guitar playage, but as long as I was able to
accompany the songs I wrote, I was satisfied. This has been the theme
of my efforts since I was young, because I could get away with it.
Until I came on a mission. Around here you have to give your all. You
have to work hard. I took that to heart. The first half of my mission,
I worked hard. I lost myself in the work. Surprised myself with my
efforts. But then I became senior companion. Then I began to train
Sister Eneri. Guess what I discovered? We are both naturally lazy. And
so I have begun to slip back into my old habits. And it doesn't feel
good.
It is funny to me, how the Nephite Cycle is so deeply engrained in the
natural man. All of us go through it. Even missionaries. Since I have
come on my mission, I have been placed in difficult situations.
Difficult areas, difficult companions. It was difficult. But I learned
so much. I came to know my Savior so much better. My prayers were so
much more sincere. And I worked so hard. I may not have been happy
with my living circumstances, but at least I was satisfied with my own
personal spirituality and missionary efforts. So now, I am the senior
companion. Something I have been looking forward to for a long time,
because I swore to be the best senior companion a greenie could have.
To treat her better than I was treated. Also, I have a companion that
I get along with very well. Technically, I have nothing to complain
about. Nothing to complain about, except myself. My hard work has
slackened. My spirituality has decreased. My missionary fire has
almost gone out. My desire to go home is growing. Is this what being
trunky feels like? No! Not now! This is supposed to be the high point
of my mission, not the low point! I'm not even halfway through, not
for another week and a half! Gosh dang it. I'm sick of myself. I know
that I am not reaching my full potential. But I feel trapped in my own
bad habits.
This week should have been a highlight of my mission. Because guess
what, Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve came to Fiji.
And all the missionaries in the mission gathered in Suva, for the
first time since 2012, in order to hear him speak. A special mission
conference. I was excited for it. And I also prayed hard that I would
hear what the Lord needed me to hear, to help rekindle my missionary
fire. To help me be a better trainer, a better missionary. Well, we
went to Suva. I had my Doctor Who notebook out, ready to write down
the message that the Lord wanted me to hear. But the conference came
and went, and I did not feel reinvigorated. I did not feel what I had
hoped to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I felt the Spirit. I felt impressed by the
presence of an Apostle of the Lord, and grateful for the opportunity
to shake his hand. It was one for the books. But, I felt like my
prayer had not been answered. I felt like I had not received what I
had asked for.
Well then we had stake conference the next day, Sunday, yesterday.
Elder Tad R. Callister of the presidency of the Seventy spoke. I had
the same prayer in my heart. The same notebook open, same pen in hand.
And the same feeling of incompleted-ness at the conclusion of the
meeting.
What the heck?
So this morning, as I was soaking my hand in ice-water, I said a
simple prayer. And I came to a realization.
The Lord is not going to do this one for me. All my life I have taken
the lazy way out. Asking Him to do this for me, or even to give me the
strength to do this, is pointless. Because I have had the strength all
along, He gave it to me a long time ago. I just haven't been tapping
into it. GAH. Ok, then can I at least have some direction about where
to start? The prospect of breaking a life-long habit is a bit
daunting! Sister Wright, you already know the answer to that one as
well.
In Stake Conference, Sister Callister gave a brief talk before Elder
Callister spoke to us. And what did she speak on? The Book of Mormon.
The Book of Mormon changes lives, she said. She told a story about a
woman who had been less active for years, but now wanted to come back
to the church and go through the temple with her family. Only problem?
She smoked. She had a terrible smoking habit. And she had tried
kicking it for years and years, but simply couldn't. She told her
bishop about this struggle, and you know what he said to her? He asked
if she had ever read the Book of Mormon all the way through. She said
that she hadn't. Well then, go and do. And the Lord will provide a way
for you.
This woman was able to kick a life-long habit by reading her Book of Mormon.
So Sister Wright, how is your Book of Mormon reading going? I have
read it twice since I got here to Fiji. But that doesn't answer the
question; how is your daily Book of Mormon reading going? Lately, not
as good as it should be, I will admit. My studies in general have not
been as deep and edifying as they should be.
Well then, go and do. And the Lord will provide a way for you.
I have a testimony of this, even though I have not yet seen the
effects personally; I have seen it in others. The Book of Mormon
changes lives.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Also, I am pretty sure that I have my own personal Dobby trying to
stop me from going back to Hogwarts...No one is sending me letters! I
haven't even received a bunch that I apparently was supposed to
receive! Listen up, folks, that ain't cool!
However, the ones from home have been constant. That ^^^ message is
for the general public, the world at large. 
Indian music is the most annoying music of the universe. What I am
currently listening to. GAH.
I love y'all. Promise I'll start working harder...TODAY. Even though
it's P-day and my hand is on FIRE.
Sista Wright

No comments: